OUTBREAK: ZERO is a semi post-apocalyptic pandemic roleplay set in the fictional city of Lethford, USA. Current season: Winter, 20/21.
March 2020. The world is in pandemonium as one month ago, GHNv-20 was confirmed, five months after the beginning of norovirus season. The number of the infected are in the higher hundred thousands, and the death toll is at an estimated 250,000, with about seventy percent of the rest of the population experiencing mild to moderate illnesses connected to the S. pyogenes bacteria.
The fear of the unknown has caused mass hysteria and panic.
In an attempt to provide a semblance of safety and control, military personnel patrol the streets, even here in Lethford City, and the police force is trying to keep up with the rising street violence, assault, and theft.
Welcome to OUTBREAK: zero. Will you survive?
HAYANA
SITE OWNER + HEAD ADMINISTRATOR
Hi! I'm Haya. I'm pretty much your girl for everything! If you have any questions regarding our plot, membergroups, etc. don't hesitate to ask me. I'm also in charge of coding, graphics, anything skin related, and advertising/affiliates.
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ADDI
ADMINISTRATOR
Hey! I'm Addi. Hit me up if you need help with anything. I'm always for plotting so don't be shy. I like coffee, booze, and working out. I'm back from a long hiatus the dead so if you need anything, best ask the others until I get back into the groove of things!
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FINNLEY
GLOBAL MODERATOR
Hi hello! My name is Finnley, or Finn, call whichever and I'll be there for you (yes like the FRIENDS theme song). I am in charge of the claims and helping with miscellaneous things. Let me know if you have any questions!
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OPEN MODERATOR POSITION
outbreak
/ˈaʊtbreɪk/ zero /ˈzɪərəʊ/
a sudden occurrence of something unwelcome, such as war or disease. number, no quantity or number; nought; the figure 0.
Kins was buzzing. She was excited and nervous for the night ahead of her. She was going to see Jude again, and like actually see him and not just when he drove past her wall art. Like actually talk to him and not texting him. Though she definitely seemed to have the longer sides of the conversation. He seemed interested in what she had to say, and the fact that she was talking to him, but he seemed quite awful at texting back. He was definitely a person that was better face to face. And she didn’t like taking phone calls because her masks made it extremely hard to hear her muffled voice over the phone.
She was still embarrassed about the fact that she had fallen asleep during the last time they were together. She wasn’t even quite sure when it happened. But what she did remember in her exhausted haze, was being warm and then picked up. She briefly opened her eyes when she was set on her bed, but the moment the blanket was over her, she was back asleep. She wanted him to stay. She wanted to reach out and ask him to lay next to her and just sleep. No matter how not okay that actually was for her to ask. When she awoke in the early morning, she was confused until she felt embarrassed. He had come into her room to put her down, and she looked around the room. It wasn’t a mess. Just the fact that this was her little space and she would have liked to show him herself.
And then she found his note that was left in her kitchen. Dinner on Saturday. Her heart leapt into her throat and she’d lie if anyone asked, but she blushed and smiled lightly at the words. When it was an appropriate time, she texted him the next day apologizing for falling asleep and that she’d promised to stay awake when she went over to have dinner with him. And then it became a habit. Texting him randomly through her day, just letting him know that she thought about him and wanted to share something in her day with him. Or sending updates on her wall that was now almost done. Which made things very complicated in so many ways. But ways she was choosing to ignore for the time being.
When Saturday came around, she found herself staring at herself in her mirror for a few moments. The bruise that had appeared on her arm from Kyle was now almost healed, just leaving a green and yellow mark under her skin. She adjusted the short sleeve shirt once more, as if it was going to change what she saw. A pair of light washed skinny denim covered her legs, her tee was made out of a ridiculously soft dark gray fabric. And she had a plaid long sleeve wrapped around her waist, just in case she got cold in his apartment. She ran her hands through her freshly dried hair and told herself to pull it together. She has been around him before. She has had a meal with him before. This wasn’t a date... or was it? Does that mean this would be their second date, and her cooking them dinner was their first?
Kins shoved that out of her head quickly, laced up her shoes, secured her double masks on her face before she sent him a text that she was on her way. He didn’t live really far from her, so she arrived just a few minutes shy of seven o’clock. She made her way to his door and held the neck of the bottle of wine she brought him in one hand as she stared at the door. As if it would announce her arrival without her actually having to knock. She let out a breath, calming her already racing heart, and knocked a solid three taps before she reached up and unhooked one side of her masks. She had already been around him without one. And he seemed to be taking better precautions from what she gathered. Deep down, she knew he wouldn’t risk her getting sick, she could just tell.
The moment the door opened, she was beaming up at him.
Jude had known that his social skills had become rusty at best since his world was turned upside down, but he hadn’t realized just how bad until he’d tried to hold up a conversation with Kins over text. In the days that passed between their first meeting and their upcoming one, Jude’s anxiety had him certain she was going to eventually stop texting him. He did his best, of course, but that only led to questions of why he cared so much if his text actually came across as funny? Jude hadn’t asked her if this was a date, and though he felt like he was treating it as if it were - at least mentally - he didn’t know if he wanted to make that distinction just yet. He wasn’t sure what it was they were doing - this odd social dance the two of them were doing together. She was attractive, that was easy to see, and Jude enjoyed her company more than he’d enjoyed anyone else’s in the past months. But he also wasn’t sure, once she knew everything, that he was the type of man she’d be looking for. Surely she wanted someone without complications.
Still, he went all out in the days leading up to their...whatever it was. He cleaned the entire apartment - save for the spare room - as if he were trying to hide murder evidence, even shampooing his carpets - which was easy to do, considering the lack of furniture. There wasn’t much he could do about his ‘bachelor pad’ style home. The layout of his apartment was fairly standard - the door opened to the living room, a small area for shoes and umbrellas as well as a closet to the right. The living room was large, as there was no designated dining room - it simply extended back to the small, boring kitchen nook. The hall off to the right, two bedrooms on either side at the end, and the bathroom between them. There was an area in the hall where the washer and dryer were located. And that was the entirety of his small apartment. The living room had only a single couch, a coffee table, and a small TV stand with an equally small TV. The dining room table only had two chairs, and was originally covered in bills. Boxes. Random things. Cleaned off, it just looked sad.
The walls were white, and unadorned. The carpets were gray, and the tiled areas were a cream color. His kitchen was so small he could touch the fridge and the cabinets on the opposite wall without having to lean either way. In his bedroom was a full-sized bed shoved into the corner, mattress sitting only on a box spring on the floor, because it didn’t matter to him to have a bed frame. The bathroom was equally bare, save for a toothbrush and a pair of clippers. The medicine cabinet was empty, except for a single bottle of headache medicine.
Jude didn’t have time to try and make his home seem...more like a home. So instead he stopped by the closest grocery store on his way home from Kins’ that night, and bought a surprise. In the open, awkward space of the living room, Jude set up a fairly nice dart board set. He put a candle on the dining room table, one that smelled like pine trees, apparently. As the scent filled the air, he had to agree that it certainly did. His only hope that dinner - good ol’ spaghetti - would make up for the rather embarrassing state of his pseudo-home. Jude wasn’t a professional chef by any means, but he’d learned certain meals and perfected them. Spaghetti was his favorite, and he made a decently good bruschetta to go along with it. By the time he heard her knock at the door, the meal was nearly finished, the smell of it filling the apartment. Jude felt a flair of panic as he headed for the door, suddenly extremely nervous. It’s not a date. He told himself, reaching out to open it.
His greeting died in his throat as he was presented with her smile at full power, and as he took it in, he felt the nerves fall away. His mouth pulled up into a lopsided smile in reaction to hers. ”Hey,” He said, stupidly. Jude’s gaze dropped to the bottle in her hand, and he stepped back, while also gesturing towards it. ”Come in. Is that for dinner?” He asked, ready to take it from her if she confirmed his assumption. As soon as she was all the way in, he would gently shut the door and turn to watch her as she took in his apartment. Though he’d basically admitted to having a skeleton of a home, he was wondering what it must look like to someone who had a normal home. Would she think he was just too simple to decorate? Or would she be worried about his health? Either way, Jude was nervously awaiting her reaction, and hoping the dartboard won him at least a few points.
tag: @jude | OOC: its trash and short and i'm sorry
Kins smile never faded when the door opened up. And when she saw his face, she couldn't help but almost feel a bit of relief to see him. It was like the nerves were shoved a bit down to allow her giddiness to come forth. Especially when he seemed to be just as happy to see her as she was to see him. This was really starting to feel like a date. And she found those nerve peek up once more at the thought. Did she want it to be one? She had never been really good at picking out men before, their last encounter had proven that. And as a teen, well not a lot of young boys wanted to be with the sick girl. Or they did it out of pity, which fueled a fire in her that burned like a thousand suns. She didn't want pity or hand outs because someone felt bad. Absolutely not under any circumstance.
"Come in. Is that for dinner?"
She had forgotten about the wine bottle for a moment and glanced down at her hand when he motioned to it. "Ah, yes. I figured we did cider last time, perhaps wine tonight. Next time we can just go for shots if you don't decide to run away by then." She teased as she made her way into his apartment, allowing him to shut the door securely behind them. He took the wine bottle, and she gave him a small smile as she took in his apartment. "It smells great in here." She told him, letting her eyes road the walls. She wasn't sure if she should feel relief or sadness looking at it. Relief that she had hit the nail on the head when she guessed what his place would be like. Plain walls. Little furniture. Nothing really personable about the place. Comfortable in a way.
But also, it was painful for the artist in her. She immediately was looking at the walls and trying to picture what to hang there to bring some life to the place. Make it look less like a sterile hospital room. More like a place one would come home to after seeing the ugly in their city. "Oh Jude." She tsked playfully, clicking her tongue as she glanced at him for a moment. The small tug on her lips clearly showing that she was, at the end of her inspection, more inspired than anything else about it. As her eyes turned back though, that was when she spotted the lone dart board. Set up in his living room. "I thought you said you didn't play." She teased, looking at him from over her shoulder. Reaching up to finish taking her masks off and tucking them into her pant pocket.
She looked back at the door before down to her feet. Was he a 'shoes off at the door' kind of person or did he prefer for her to keep them on? She pointed to her shoes, "On or off?" She asked him. She felt her stomach rumble lightly, and was just glad that it didn't yell out as well for them to hear. The air was heavy with pasta and red sauce and she was quite excited to see how well he cooks. Judging by the smell alone, she was guessing he had at least mastered this meal.
"Ah, yes. I figured we did cider last time, perhaps wine tonight. Next time we can just go for shots if you don't decide to run away by then.”
Jude chuckled deep in his chest in response to that statement. ”If anyone’s going to do the scaring off here, it’s likely going to be me.” He responded quickly, sounding absolutely certain of that fact. Between his stand offish attitude and his absolute lack of social skills, he was one wrong word away at any given moment - or at least, that’s what it felt like. But he wanted Kins to like him - he wasn’t sure when that became something he wanted, whether it happened in their first meeting or after getting that guy away from her. Either way, Jude wanted her to like him. She made him feel like he could breathe again. And all at the same time, he felt incredibly guilty - as if he were still married, and was sneaking off to meet someone else. Once again, it was like he could feel the rings against the skin of his chest as if they were burning him.
She commented on the smell, and he wasn’t sure if it was the candle or the food, but at least she liked it. ”I may have put a little effort into making it less of a man cave.” He admitted casually. In actuality, his house wasn’t generally dirty - messy, sure, but he never really did anything to cause a mess. Sleep, eat, go to work. Shower, sleep eat. The cycle just repeated every day, and every day he woke up was another day he hoped someone would finally take him out. Abruptly shutting down that path of thinking, Jude re-focused on Kins.
"I thought you said you didn't play."
He was certain the broad grin that took over his face gave him away, though he’d been fully intending on acting as if he’d always had the board. ”I don’t, really. But I thought it would be smarter to bring it here than to ask you to go out to a bar.” He explained, keeping his tone casual. No big deal. It wasn’t like he’d bought her a car. And then she was asking about her shoes, and Jude glanced down at his feet. He was still wearing his shoes, too, which looking back on it, seemed really stupid with the freshly cleaned carpets. ”Now that you ask, let’s do off.” He suggested, sliding his own shoes off before traipsing through the living room to the kitchen. ”There’s not much to look at, but make yourself at home. Food’s probably got another ten minutes.” He said over his shoulder, placing the bottle of wine in the freezer.
"If anyone’s going to do the scaring off here, it’s likely going to be me."
She gave him a half smirk at his statement. He sounded so confident in it, and yet here she was. "I have stared death in its face. Trust me, I don't spook easily." A little gallows humor as they went about. Though she did have to admit, between the two, she was definitely the more outgoing and the one who seemed better with people. But every time she thought about how he had treated her before, like she was some criminal, she couldn't help but think of the way that he saved that little girl. And how well he had handled everything with her and the mother. She had watched from a distance, but she could see the way the girl looked at him as if he was just this angel that was sent to save her. That spoke volumes to her.
Children had a way of reading people without even realizing that they could. It was often why they were so blunt and 'said mean things'. It wasn't that they were trying to be cruel, they just were stating what they observed and their minds had processed. His comment about 'less of a man cave' had her chuckling. "You didn't have to. I rather like seeing people in their natural habitats." She told him. And it was true, you got to really see them. How their mind worked, what they were comfortable with, what they did. Her house was covered in paint and canvas and pictures. Showing that she was passionate and vibrant in many ways. But that missing canvas in her home also could have told him that she was secretive as well. Not wanting to be easily read for all.
"I don’t, really. But I thought it would be smarter to bring it here than to ask you to go out to a bar."
He understood her without her even explaining exactly what happened to her. She knew that he got the basic idea. She was really sick growing up, she might have not dropped the actual words that she had died twice technically yet, but he could probably have guessed that by now. She actually found it quite amusing that he had not just come straight out and asked her by this point why she had been so sick growing up. And why it effected her now to have her reacting to things the way she did. "Look at you. Working on your social skills. I have to say, I am quite impressed Jude." She teased him as he started to work on removing his own shoes. She was just finishing slipping her feet out of her own and placing them besides his shoes when he was disappearing into the kitchen.
"There’s not much to look at, but make yourself at home. Food’s probably got another ten minutes."
She looked around once more before she moved into the space. Her hand landing on the dart board and looking it over once. It was brand new, he had specifically bought this for the two of them to play. She felt the small smile tug on her lips before she moved into the living room further. There really wasn't much to look at, he had kept it at functional. She wondered if he really would allow her to hang some stuff up. To bring some color into his life. As she walked, she peeked down a hallway, seeing a few doors. "Bathroom at the end of the hall? Just want to wash my hands from the trip over," She called out. She was pretty sure she heard him say 'yes' but she was already halfway down the hall and blocked by a few walls to actually hear what he said.
His house looked extremely clean, and smelled it as well. Like it had been recently deep cleaned for her visit and something about that made her want to tear up. He barely knew her, the strongest part of their connection being that both had saved the other in a way. And the fact that there was some kind of attraction that lingered between them. Yet he was observant enough to see her habits, to pick up on them and realize that he could take extra steps to make sure she felt safe and comfortable in his home. And there was something ridiculously touching about that.
She opened the first door, and quickly realized that it was not the bathroom. But the room instantly grabbed her attention. It was the most life she had seen all crammed into one small room. She flipped the light on, her quest for the bathroom instantly forgotten about as she stepped into the room and took in everything that she could see. The grand piano door up a large amount of the space. It was beautiful and she was drawn to it, slowly walking over the carpet as she noticed the child's rocking horse off to the side. Which made her brows pull together lightly in confusion. Why would he have something like that? And the many boxes that lined the back wall, some boxes, some plastic bins.
Her fingers grazed the top of the piano as she approached it. She lifted the lid to the keys, her fingers lightly tracing over a few ivory pieces as she looked it over. Kins wasn't a musician per se. But she did know a few songs on the piano. Her mother had gotten her a keyboard when she was in the hospital and she learned a few songs back then on it to occupy her time and give her something different to do. "I didn't know you played piano." She called out towards the open door. She sat down and played a soft melody for a moment, noticing that the piano still seemed rather in tune and she let her fingers flow for a few moments. Listening to the melody before something on the edge of the piano caught her eye. A picture frame, laid face down. She reached over and stood it up, figuring it must have fallen over by accident.
She didn't really look at the picture at first, focusing on straightening the frame before her hazel eyes settled on what was inside of it. And staring at her, was Jude. Happy, smiling, with his arms around a red headed woman with bright green eyes who stared at the camera. And pressed between them in a sandwich style hug, was a little strawberry blonde girl with Jude's eyes. Confusion was the first step that rolled through her when she looked at this. Jude had a daughter and wife? But where were they? And why was she there now if... She blinked twice before dread spread through her stomach. No, she had just done something so wrong. She immediately reached up and turned the frame back face down. But it was too late, the damage had been done.
"I have stared death in its face. Trust me, I don't spook easily."
Jude liked her blunt humor and way about talking about her past hardships. As if they weren’t as big as they really were. He gave her a slow smile, as if they were having an entirely different conversation. ”Neither do I.” Sure, he avoided socializing like the plague, but what he meant was that there was nothing she could throw at him that was going to freak him out. He could see that she thought she was damaged in some way because of her sickness. Jude didn’t agree with that assessment at all. The woman standing before him was more radiant and lively than he’d met in a very long time. She wasn’t broken, not in his mind.
As she made a joking comment about seeing people in their natural habitats, he couldn’t help but compare his apartment with her home in his mind. Hers was a true reflection of who she was, at least as far as he could tell. So did that make this his true self? Empty? Barren? A ghost? Maybe he was being a little dramatic. He’d never had an eye for decoration, and now he just didn’t care to try at all. No, Jude wasn’t sure what his house would look like if he’d never met Emily, but he was certain it wouldn’t look like this. ”Honestly, with all the work, it’s more like a rest stop these days.”
"Look at you. Working on your social skills. I have to say, I am quite impressed Jude."
He chuckled, mostly to himself, as he headed for the kitchen. Jude mostly just enjoyed the way his name sounded when she said it. When was the last time he wasn’t ‘Colburn’? ”Do I get a gold star now?” He asked over his shoulder, one last quip before he disappeared into the kitchen. There was a moment where he focused on the food, and then he heard her ask about the bathroom. His mistake was answering in the affirmative without making sure he’d heard her right, but he didn’t think about that until moments later he heard her say something about a piano.
Jude’s heart dropped like a fifty pound weight in water, straight down into his gut. He dropped the ladle in his hand into the sauce pot and walked briskly out of the kitchen, rounding the wall into the hallway. He was a few steps down the hall when he heard the piano start to play, which brought him to a screeching halt. He was so stupid. Jude had never thought about what to do if he had company over, and in all the panic trying to make the place perfect for her arrival, and the food, he’d forgotten to do anything about keeping her out of the room. He hadn’t even thought to keep her out. It wasn’t like he was trying to hide it from the world. But now he was really regretting not having a lock installed.
The music stopped, and Jude found himself able to move again. It was already too late, so he just walked slowly, coming into the doorway as she put the framed picture back to its original position. He wasn’t sure where to begin to even explain what was going on here, and for a moment he just stared at her, silent, trying to figure out what to say. His gaze bounced off the items in the room, things he hadn’t looked at for many months, and then rested on her again. ”I’m sorry. I probably should have told you about this part before you came over.” Jude said, knowing he sounded cryptic but unsure how else to word it. Obviously, she was owed an explanation - this situation was probably strange to an outsider.
Jude stood in the doorframe as if he couldn’t physically cross into the room, and despite his initial sweep of the room he was keeping his gaze on Kins now. ”I’ll answer any questions you have, but I’d prefer to do it with a glass of wine. And the bruschetta’ll burn so…” Jude knew he was stalling for time, to prepare to say the things he’d have to say. To talk about them. He gestured over his shoulder to the door directly behind him. ”That’s the bathroom. I’ll be in the kitchen.” With that, he turned and headed back down the hall, not glancing at anything else in the room again. He was hoping she’d give him a chance to explain and not just leave right away, but he wouldn’t blame her if she chose to just head out right then. He busied himself with removing the tray of bruschetta from the oven, the smell of tomato and herbs assaulting his nose. He sprinkled shaved parmesan on them almost absent mindedly, giving the meatballs and sauce a quick stir before retrieving the wine and pouring two glasses. Maybe it would help if they both were drinking for this one.
"Honestly, with all the work, it’s more like a rest stop these days."
She could clearly see that. It looked like one of those highway rest stops. Plain. Made for a quick stop in and get back on the road. She found herself looking at it like a challenge. He had already told her last time that maybe she could spruce it up. Which is why they even talked about a second... dinner get together? She still wasn't so sure about the date thing. She wanted to ask. Kins even thought about it in that moment. And she found herself staring over at him. "If you want, I can help bring some color into your rest stop." She said lightly, chickening out on asking if he wanted this to be a date. Or maybe she just didn't want the rejection at this point. As confident as she could be sometimes, she didn't know if she could handle hearing it out loud just yet.
"Do I get a gold star now?"
There was no shame in her look as she watched him walk away from her. She decided in that moment that she liked his broad shoulders quite a lot. They almost filled the door way into the kitchen as he disappeared into it. "Or something like it." She said to his back. Was that a small flirtation? A tease? She felt the smile on her face and turned a bright red before she had made the decision to disappear down the hallway on the trip to finding the bathroom. And instead, opening the whole can of worms that seemed to leave her mind racing with what the hell she had stumbled across.
She didn't think twice about entering the room, or touching the piano, or playing it. Nor did she think twice about fixing the frame until she saw the picture in it, but it had been too late at that point. By the time she set the photo back, face down, and stood from the bench, he was in the doorway. She stood with the bench between them, her hazel eyes wide with confusion and a million and one questions danced behind her close lips as she looked at him. Watched the way he seemed to look over the room, as if it wasn't familiar or in his apartment. It wasn't something he knew well. And when his eyes landed back on her, all she could do was stare at him.
"I’m sorry. I probably should have told you about this part before you came over."
But what part was this? He was married, maybe recently separated. Which explained the boxes and bare living space. The somewhat sudden move on his end from Chicago. She had completely read into this the wrong way from the start. And now she was reflecting back on their time together and feeling like an utter fool. He was harsh on her at first, then took pity on her because of the rain. And she had made him feel like he owed her, when she jumped out of the cruiser and put out the fire. He probably just felt bad when he came across her in that situation with a man she had gone on a date with once, months ago. And Jude, trying to be nice, didn't want to tell her he wasn't interested after that event. Though it really didn't make sense why he'd invite her to dinner tonight... maybe he just wanted a friend outside of the police station. And she was the first one who sort of stuck around.
"I’ll answer any questions you have, but I’d prefer to do it with a glass of wine. And the bruschetta’ll burn so… That’s the bathroom. I’ll be in the kitchen."
And then he was gone. The moment she couldn't hear his footsteps anymore, she ran from the room almost. Quickly turning the light off and shutting the door, and then locking herself in the bathroom. She scrubbed her hands for a whole minute, until they were red from washing them too hard. Out of frustration and embarrassment. She looked up at herself in the mirror and found that there was a pool of tears building in her eyes. She angrily wiped them away. This was ridiculous. This was childish. She was no longer a child, she was an adult. She shouldn't be crying over this. It was what? Three times actually seeing him and only a week or two of actually conversing with him. Now that she thought about it, that might be why he was not pouring into the details of his day like she did.
God, why was she so stupid? She splashed her face with water and rubbed her eyes. Before she wiped her hands on the towel he had out. It looked fresh, but she didn't risk drying her face. So she shook the water the best from it that she could before she took a deep breath and made her way out of the bathroom. She glanced at the front door. Maybe she could save them both the awkward dinner and just leave. But she found her feet instead, moving towards the kitchen. As embarrassed as she was going to be, she wanted to know. She wanted to hear what she had just found, what secret he felt that he should have told her about before she came over. And as she looked at him. She felt the words fall from her mouth.
"Jude I am so sorry. I should have shut the door the moment I realized it wasn't the bathroom. I didn't mean to pry." She didn't mean to be nosey, but she wanted to know him. "And you don't have to explain anything to me. I am sorry if I made you uncomfortable in any way. I... I've never been great at reading people and... god I feel so stupid. I am so sorry. I know divorces aren't easy and I... well I just... " A hand ran through her short hair and she found herself staring at a random spot on the floor between them. "This is all my fault. I can go." Because that would solve that right?
Jude didn’t know what he was going to say. How much. He knew that if she asked, he would tell her everything. Because he felt terrible about the look on her face as he’d stood there, staring at a room filled with a life that he’d thought he’d live until he died. He hadn’t been able to reassure her then that they were okay, because he’d had to flee as quickly as he could from the sight of all those things. Because he still regretted everything, every day. It was entirely his fault that he’d lost them, and he couldn’t pretend to be unbothered by the bits of his life that was left.
But as he stood in the kitchen, waiting to hear his front door open and close, he realized he might have come off as mad at her. That wasn’t the case. If he’d been a better man, he would have told her about his marital status during that first dinner. She’d even asked questions that would have made the transition possible, if a little awkward and mood-killing. But that was just it. He didn’t want to see the pity in her eyes. Jude didn’t deserve to be pitied.
As Kins appeared from around the corner, he couldn’t help but feel a little surprised. She was staying? There was a touch of warmth to his cold, bitter thoughts, but the look on her face made his guts twist violently. There was a glossiness to her eyes that made him wonder if he’d made her cry, or if he was just beating himself up for putting her in this position at all. Still, he wanted to reach out and pull her into his chest. Reassure her that they were okay - no matter what, they were okay. But she spoke before he could get the courage to even open his mouth.
"Jude I am so sorry. I should have shut the door the moment I realized it wasn't the bathroom. I didn't mean to pry."
”Kins-” Jude started, wanting to stop her there and reassure her that he didn’t feel as if she’d invaded his privacy, but she was already carrying on. The word divorces caught his attention, and he realized with a sinking sensation that she was jumping to conclusions that were far from the truth. He was going to have to tell her the truth - he couldn’t just start a whole other deception. Jude felt his chest fill with ice.
"This is all my fault. I can go."
He hated the way her gaze wasn’t on him, but on the floor. As if she were ashamed. As if any of this was her fault. Jude couldn’t stop himself from stepping closer to her, the urge to reach out and connect too strong to ignore. So he did. He reached out and took her hand in his large one, trying to look earnest. ”Kins, slow down. This isn’t your fault.” He told her, his tone low and reassuring. Sighing, he looked down at their linked hands, knowing that he wanted to touch her more, to cup her face in his hand and pull her into his chest. Jude didn’t know what to do with those urges, because he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. And he wasn’t sure if he wanted to do those things because he was feeling guilty, and he didn’t want to act out of guilt. ”It’s not something I like to talk about, so I didn’t tell you. But I should have explained everything,” He hesitated, closing his eyes and looking frustrated. ”Or locked the damn door.” His tone was rough, but only because he was already struggling. Even thinking about it made him feel shaky. ”I don’t want you to leave.” He finally said, reaching up to rub a hand over his face before glancing at the wine glasses. ”At least not unless you want to.” Jude added quickly, not wanting her to feel pressured into listening to his sob story. Or to stay if she wasn’t comfortable. ”I guess I should start by saying I’m not divorced.”
Jude released her hand, reaching up to run his hand through his hair. The words felt as if they were stuck in his throat. He was a widower. In a single afternoon his entire life had been stolen from him, because of him. He’d never see Ellie grow up. Never see her off to college. Never dance with her at her wedding. Jude said a low curse under his breath, his gaze snapping away from Kins, staring off to the side hard. His eyes were burning with tears he didn’t want to shed. ”When I worked as a detective in Chicago, I made some well connected enemies. I must have gotten a little too close for their liking.” He said, his voice strained. ”So I lost them both. And I couldn’t...stay. In that house. In Chicago.”
”I didn’t have it in me to give everything up. But I couldn’t stand to look at it.” He said, powering through, determined to get it all out. To lay every fact out so that he could move past it as quickly as possible. ”So I put everything I kept in that room, and I haven’t been back in it since I moved in.” There. Now she knew the sparknotes version of the tragedy that was his life. Jude couldn’t meet her eyes now, his gaze and head dropping slightly, staring at her feet. He was determined not to cry, but that didn’t stop the tears from continuing to build in his gaze.
Kins couldn't stop her word vomit if she wanted to. Even as he said her name. She couldn't stop it. She was apologizing, saying out loud that she was stupid for looking at anything between them as some sort of... anything. She wasn't able to look at him while she said what she felt like she had to. And that was when the next shock of the night struck her. His hand reaching forward and taking hers, she jumped a little, her eyes wide as she looked up to him, her heart pounding in her ears as she tightened her hand on his out of instinct. She hadn't touched someone in so long. It was almost a foreign feeling.
"Kins, slow down. This isn’t your fault."
She let out a small burst of a laugh. There was no humor behind it. Of course this was her fault. Who would just walk into someones home, for the first time, and think it was okay to just go around opening doors and going through whatever she could find. She blamed him in a way. Something about him sparked her curiosity and made her want to know things. And yet, this was turning out to be nothing she had expected to learn about him. As he told her that it wasn't her fault and how it was something that he didn't like to talk about, she wanted to say 'well of course'. But instead of speaking, she squeezed his hand. Until he hit her with a sentence that made her face fall.
"I guess I should start by saying I’m not divorced."
Her brows pulled together in confusion as his hand released her. She swallowed hard and watched his internal struggle on the words that he wanted to say. "Jude you-" She stopped the moment he started to talk again. Though his eyes could not meet hers, she never looked away from him. Not once. Gazing up into his face as she watched the pain roll through him. The words coming from him as he started to tell his story.
"So I lost them both."
She couldn't stop the tears that built up in her eyes at that point. Tears for him. Not pity, but sadness for the pain that he had endured on his own. The pain that drove him to leave behind everything that he knew and start somewhere without them. She wasn't sure what she would do if she had been in his shoes.
"So I put everything I kept in that room, and I haven’t been back in it since I moved in."
His dark gaze was still away from her. She knew pain, she had lived years in physical pain. Emotional pain went right along with it, hand in hand like it was a romance novel. It was something that she never wanted to see others go through. Not someone like Jude. It explained everything in a way. And without waiting much long, she moved into him and wrapped her arms around him tightly. Her body shaking lightly from the contact and the fact that she knew she should be stumbling away. Keeping a distance in the 'just in case' field. But she wouldn't. So instead she held him tightly, standing in his kitchen.
"I am sorry for your loss. But just know, you aren't alone." She told him, a whisper in a way. It was easy to feel alone when you had that kind of pain in your heart and mind. "Not anymore." Because she was there. And from his earlier words, it seemed he wanted her to be there as well. "I got away from my home." She said lightly, her arms loosening on him in case he wanted to pull away. "It's why I wound up here. As beautiful as the beaches were, as much help as I got there... all I could picture was the lonely days I spent staring at the ceiling panels while the warm weather taunted me." It was cruel in a way.
"I had cancer. I was pumped so full of radiation and had multiple bone marrow transplants before my sixteenth birthday. Quite the accomplishment. Though, its a bit scary to see the scarring." She told him, her voice calm though. As if it was like she was reading off a piece of a story from a book. "I spent years in a hospital bed. All those teenage milestones were a bit different for me. The biggest one was staying alive." She pulled away then, slowly retracting herself as she made it to the second glass of wine he had poured. Washing down the lump in her throat before she continued. "I survived," She gestured to herself, her eyes on him for a moment. "But I have a weakened immune system amongst other parts of me ruined. A basic cold can knock me on my ass for weeks. Where as a normal person is sick for a handful of days."
She paused then. And suddenly, she felt a small blush hit her cheeks as she took a large gulp of wine. "I don't want to take away from what happened to you. But I guess... I guess what I am trying to say is I understand wanting to get away from the bad. And while you will never forget it, it is always going to be a part of you..." She let out a curse. "I'm not really good at this."
"I am sorry for your loss. But just know, you aren't alone."
Jude hadn’t expected her to hug him, but the way it shook him to the core wasn’t exactly a bad thing. She was hugging him so tightly that he could feel the tremble in her body, and Jude didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around her and hold her to him. He held her gently, not restraining her if she tried to pull away, as if she were fragile glass. As she started talking, her hug loosened, but Jude didn’t let her go or back away. He’d leave that decision up to her. Instead, he let her hold onto him as she continued to speak, staying silent because he figured it was his turn to hear her out.
"It's why I wound up here. As beautiful as the beaches were, as much help as I got there... all I could picture was the lonely days I spent staring at the ceiling panels while the warm weather taunted me."
He thought it was ironic that they both ran from the pain and found themselves here. In Lethford. In his kitchen, holding on to each other as if they’d be swept away if they let go. Jude could understand what she was saying; could recall the way he’d felt like a stranger in his own home. What used to feel like a sanctuary had been ripped away, leaving an empty shell with nothing but the ghost of a memory of a family that was happy, once.
"I had cancer. I was pumped so full of radiation and had multiple bone marrow transplants before my sixteenth birthday. Quite the accomplishment. Though, its a bit scary to see the scarring."
So he was right. Jude had suspected that whatever illness she’d had, had been cancerous in nature. Listening to her describe what she went through, however, made him wince. She was so blase when it came to talking about her illness, and he knew it was a coping method. A way to deal with the trauma she’d been through at such a young age. At least Jude’s suffering had started after he’d experienced life. Gotten married. Had a child. He couldn’t imagine what it must have been like, to watch everyone else continue to live their lives while willingly allowing yourself to be poisoned. In the hopes of seeing even just one more day. Jude couldn’t relate to her struggle to survive, because for the past nearly two years he’d been exceedingly reckless with his own. It made him feel a touch more guilty than he was already feeling. As she pulled away from him, he let her, watching as she took a drink of the wine he’d poured. Hell, he’d forgotten all about his glass.
"But I have a weakened immune system amongst other parts of me ruined. A basic cold can knock me on my ass for weeks. Where as a normal person is sick for a handful of days."
He wanted to tell her that she wasn’t broken, that he thought she was beautiful. But did what he thought about her really matter all that much? Would it really change the way she saw herself? Jude’s gaze was clear now, having had the time to steel himself against the pain. And listening to her helped. He focused on her as she wrapped up her message to him. She was like him. They were both runners. Jude understood what she was trying to say.
"I'm not really good at this."
Jude felt a corner of his mouth tug upwards, shaking his head. ”No, you’re doing fine.” He assured her, his gaze holding hers for a moment before he dropped it, not really looking at anything in particular as he considered how to respond. ”I’m sorry you didn’t get to have much of a childhood.” He started, gaze flicking back up to her. He couldn’t believe he’d been so stupid when they’d first met. Harassing a cancer survivor whilst not wearing a mask during a pandemic. Jesus, had that really been him? Looking at her now, he couldn’t even remember why he’d decided she was trouble. But he was sort of glad, as well, that she’d caught his attention. ”And thank you. For telling me.” He tacked on, not sure if she’d shared because she’d felt the urge to, or if she’d been trying to distract him from his own pain. Either way, he was glad to know. And if it had been a distraction, it had worked to ease the ache in his chest. He was solid again, focused on her.
He nodded towards the food on the stove, glancing from it and then back to her. ”If you’re still interested in this date, the food is still hot.” He offered, holding her gaze as he spoke. There. He’d classified this odd emotional hangout as a date. Now the ball was in her court.
Her arms around him were shaking, but the moment that he wrapped her in his, she tensed for a moment. Even though she knew she wanted it, she wanted to be held to him, her body knew better. It was telling her to be careful. That even though he seemed to have changed some of his habits, she still didn't know what he did at work. Which meant he could be sick right now and neither of them knew. In a way, it made her want to scold him that he had not been more careful. That he had been so reckless with his own life, but after hearing that he lost his family, the ones he held closest. She could see why he didn't care. But it still filled her with a dread to think that she would have never had met him if he had just been a little more careless.
"I’m sorry you didn’t get to have much of a childhood."
She felt a shrug move half of her shoulders, her eyes looking away from him as well. "Someone had to help balance out all those happy teen years in the world. Guess it was my turn in the universe." She said, acting like it wasn't a big deal. Deep down, it hurt her in a way. She had spent many nights crying, looking over social media of girls her age. Laughing and taking random drives with friends. Going on trips and getting ready to prom. Picking out homecoming dresses. Cheering in the stands for their high school football team. Posting random pictures of them getting done up for no reason together. "Even though I missed most of it, I at least got to walk the stage for graduation. So I didn't miss out of everything." She tried to reassure him. Or maybe it was herself.
She looked at a him as he thanked her for telling him. A ghost of a smile on her lips. She knew this conversation was far from over. Eventually, they'd have to get into the details of it, for both of them. If they were to continue being in one another lives. As a friend, or something more, that was still up for determination. But eventually they would have to get into the gritty details. Like how long ago he lost them, how he had lost them, was she the one who played piano or did he, things like that. Just like she was sure that they would have to dive further into her sickness. What cancer she had, the fact that she had a pretty decent chance of it coming back, the fact that a lot of her was left to not function...
"If you’re still interested in this date, the food is still hot."
She was immediately distracted by her spiral into the 'how do I tell this man that if he wants a family, I cannot give him one' talk. And it wasn't because he mentioned the food still being hot and ready for them. It was the simple, four letter word that he dropped casually in the middle of his sentence. 'Date'. A blush crawled its way up her neck and into her cheeks. Her hazel eyes holding his as she felt a giddy smile start to fill her face. "It does smell delicious. And I'd hate to waste food on our date, especially when you worked so hard on it." It was her way of agreeing with him. This was a date.
She made herself at home, opening his freezer to refill their glasses, well more hers than his, before she slipped it back in. And then she grabbed both glasses and set them down on the table. She had been a bad guest, and she could only hope to make up for it now. "Silverware?" She asked, hoping to at least help grab some of the stuff they'd need. Just like he had done when they were at her apartment. If he told her where it was, she'd make quick work of grabbing a fork and knife and setting the table with them.
"Someone had to help balance out all those happy teen years in the world. Guess it was my turn in the universe."
Jude looked at her for a moment, her stipulation about getting to walk at graduation not really helping him see past the fact that she’d missed out on so many milestones in her childhood and teenage years. Was getting to walk across a stage really worth missing everything else? It was hard for Jude to determine, because he’d been blessed with a fairly normal childhood. His teenage years were the standard for a male teenager. ”It’s okay to be angry and bitter about it.” He told her, pretending to be interested in his wine glass so she didn’t feel like he was overbearing, or trying to tell her how to feel. ”Just because you’re a survivor doesn’t mean you have to feel grateful for everything. You were robbed of a large chunk of your life.” His gaze flicked up, studying her. ”You deserve all of it and more.”
"It does smell delicious. And I'd hate to waste food on our date, especially when you worked so hard on it."
Once again, waiting for her response to his words made him feel like a teenage boy with a high school crush all over again. He didn’t know where his confidence was coming from, declaring this a date like he had, but he wanted to see her smile. And of course, she never disappointed him. The smile that formed on her face was worth every second of anxious waiting. His own mouth pulled up into a slow smile as she spoke. ”Then let’s eat.” He said, sounding much more excited about the prospect of eating dinner than he’d felt in a long time. He grabbed a pair of plates as she filled the wine glasses, and then he caught her question. Jude knew it was probably a little bit hypocritical, considering he’d helped her prepare their dinner, but this was different. He needed to do this. Needed to give her something for what she’d done for him, even if she didn’t realize how much she’d helped him already. Jude gave her another slow smile, shaking his head.
He wanted to touch her again, to pull her into him and watch another smile take over her face. But he also didn’t want to push her too far, didn’t know how far he wanted to take this. They’d agreed this was a date, and that made a new energy buzz in the air. It was like a dance now. Whatever the case, Jude wanted to take care of her. Even if it was just by this small action of preparing and serving a meal to her. So he set the plate in his hand down and closed the distance between them, taking her hand as he passed by, giving it a gentle tug so that she’d come with him - though it was no more forceful than a gentle movement. His legs were long enough, and the dining table so close to the kitchen, that it was really only a couple steps. With his free hand, he pulled a chair out. ”You sit. Drink the wine. I’ve got the rest.” His tone didn’t leave much room for argument, and he gestured to the chair with a soft smirk on his features. If she took the offer, which he hoped she did, he’d even take the time to carefully push her into the table slightly. He did so by lightly lifting the chair, as if it were easy even with her in it, and moving her forward a smidge. He might have known that he was showing off just a little, but if he didn’t have the courage to actually lift her into his arms, this was his compromise. Who said he couldn’t romance her without touching her excessively?
Then he quickly returned to the kitchen, making two plates of spaghetti with two slices of bruschetta, before returning to the table. ”For you.” He said, his tone hinting at playful as he set the plate in front of her, her silverware tucked neatly to the side of the food. He sat then, pretending to be focused on his food and wine - which he finally took a large drink of - but really just waiting to see her reaction to the food.
"Just because you’re a survivor doesn’t mean you have to feel grateful for everything. You were robbed of a large chunk of your life. You deserve all of it and more."
That alone almost brought her to tears. She felt the lump rising in her throat at his words. She had always buried the feeling. She had been bitter for a long time over it. And eventually she knew that she had to let it go. No matter how many tears she shed, no matter how much anger built in her chest, it wouldn't give her back those years. Instead, she got to awkwardly stumble through some of those firsts in her early twenties. Though the current health crisis put a big halt on those plans."I am angry enough about the body that was left behind. No need to make things worse by being upset because I didn't get to take awkward prom pictures or have a regular after school hang out group." She paused for a moment and laughed a little. "I mean, I guess I did in a way. The nurses and some of the other patients were there a lot."
She waited patiently for his response so she could help set the table, but he shook his head at her. Her head tilted lightly as she looked up at him as he came towards her. Her heart rate spiking through the roof as he approached and then took her hand. She was pretty sure that if he listened closely enough, he'd be able to hear the hammering going on in her chest. He was overwhelming. Tall, broad, and had a presence that made her feel at ease and yet on the edge of a cliff waiting to free fall all at once. She followed quickly behind him, two of her steps needed for just one of his.
"You sit. Drink the wine. I’ve got the rest."
If it had been any other time, she would have argued about his resistance to her help. But instead, she slipped into the seat and let out a small squeak of a surprise when he lifted her seat and moved her in. As if she was nothing but a small pillow resting on the seat. She turned her head to watch him retreat back into the kitchen, telling her stomach to stop with the butterflies and for her heart to give it a rest. She wasn't going to make it through the rest of the night if it kept up with what it was currently doing. Upon his return, she had indeed drank more of her wine and found herself watching him closely instead of the meal he laid out before her.
Kins eyes lingered on him for a moment after he took a seat and drank some of his wine before they moved to the plate in front of her. The scent was delicious and her stomach clenched in a way of saying 'hurry it up, up there!'. So without waiting much longer, she grabbed her silverware and went to work. She got a few bites in, her head nodding along with her bites to show her approval. "This is really good." She said between bites, trying her best to eat at a decent pace and not just stuff it into her mouth. "I'm assuming this is like a staple of yours?" She said, smiling over at him from her seat.
"I mean, I guess I did in a way. The nurses and some of the other patients were there a lot."
Jude couldn’t help but smile as the laugh escaped her lips, even if the matter of their discussion bothered him - only because he could see that fight to live in his head. How she must have struggled, and felt set apart from everyone else. Jude couldn’t relate, not to her childhood, but he was impressed that she was so strong despite it. "You have a point. I hadn't quite grown into my ears when I had my prom pictures taken." Jude admitted, a bemused chuckle laced with the words.
A smile pulled at his lips as the sound of surprise escaped her as he moved her chair, one he kept to himself as he turned back to the kitchen to prepare her plate. He could feel her eyes on him, which only made his skin feel like it was too tight. Jude wanted to ask her more about the hospital, but he also didn’t want to make the dinner all about their tragedies. Not now that they’d both agreed this was actually a date. He’d have time later, to learn everything he could about her. For now, he just tried not to stare her down as he waited for her to try the food.
"This is really good. I’m assuming this is like a staple of yours?”
This time the smile was broader, pleased with her reaction to his food. He chuckled lightly, taking his own fork and swirling it in the spaghetti. ”First thing I learned how to actually cook right.” He replied, nodding his head. ”I know about five dishes pretty well, but that’s where my skill stops.” Jude added, a light shrug lifting his shoulders. As he ate, he barely tasted the food, his gaze constantly moving from the food up to her. He was absolutely distracted by her, disliking the space between them. He almost wanted to eat as quickly as he could, just so they could move on to the rest of the night.
Of course, he paced himself. But that didn’t mean he didn’t look at least a little bit happy once the food was gone. ”Ready to lose at darts?” He asked, his tone casual but the look in his gaze playfully challenging. He tried not to jump on her plate when she finished eating, but he was fully intending on beating her to taking it to the sink. So he stood, taking both plates and rinsing them off in the sink quickly. As he turned back to her, there was smile firmly in place on his face. He opened a drawer at the end of the counter, which was where he’d stashed the darts for the board. Pulling them out, he held out half to her, his gaze glued to her. Sure, this was a pretty lame attempt to have her approach him, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to do it.
"You have a point. I hadn't quite grown into my ears when I had my prom pictures taken."
A wicked grin came across her face at that. "Please, dear lord, tell me that you have these pictures still." She wanted to see them. She desperately wanted to see a young Jude, back in his high school days. Dressed up in a suit and tie combo taking pictures with his prom date and his apparently very prominent ears. "What was it like? Your prom. Who did you bring? What did you wear? Tell me everything." She asked. She was curious, and she was sure that this would be a better topic of conversation to have over dinner than her trying to avoid asking about his ex wife. She wanted to know her name, his daughters name. They were a part of him. She realized that the moment she found out about him, and even if they could make it to a third and fourth date, or even further, they would always be a part of him. Even if she was there.
The dinner was good, and they shared many looks over the food. Their eyes meeting and Kins giving him a small smile each time before she was focused back on her plate and eating again. She ate until her stomach said 'enough', trying to not over stuff herself but also trying to not take forever to finish her food as she realized that Jude had finished his own. Before she could even think about taking her own plate to the sink, he was on it. He really didn't want her lifting a finger to help with this, and for a moment she felt really honored that he was treating her this way. She couldn't remember the last time she had a good date. Even with the rocky start, he had been the best date she had had in a very long time.
"Ready to lose at darts?"
She stood from her seat and followed him into the kitchen, leaning against the doorway as he took care of the dishes. "If this is a date, doesn't that mean you are supposed to let me win? You know, be a gentleman?" She teased, watching as he went to the drawer and pulled out the darts. They lingered in the air for a moment as she looked between them and his face, before she pushed off the wall and made her way to him, taking the darts that he offered. Perhaps letting her hand brush his more than it needed to for her to grab the darts. She started for the living room, tossing a look over her shoulder at him as she did. "Try and keep up officer." she teased.
